When it comes to break ups, December is always a tough time to do the deed.
Redhook is aware that no respectable guy enjoys breaking up with his girlfriend, especially in the weeks before the holidays. But if you are thinking about splitting up, there’s little point in finding the perfect holiday gift. You’ll just end up blowing all your holiday beer money on a something that will end up in her garbage can (along with every photo of you that she owns). What you really need is a gift that makes her question why she’s even been dating you in the first place.
A carefully selected, yet utterly thoughtless holiday gift can actually say so many of the things you’ve been meaning to say ““ but haven’t been able to put into words. Sometimes the best way to break up over the holidays is to buy her a break up gift. It’s not exactly breaking up, but it provides what your high school English teacher referred to as “foreshadowing.” Not that you were ever paying attention in English class.
In the spirit of the season, Redhook has compiled a list of thoughtless-but-affordable surprises that are sure to get your feelings across. There’s even a good possibility that these break up gifts will get her to do the hard work of breaking up for you.
Redhook’s Holiday Break-Up Gift Guide 2009
Nothing says “I love you, but not as much as I love Peyton Manning” like a pair of football tickets. The only exception to this is if she loves football. If so, you can always up the ante with monster truck tickets or front-row seats to a UFC fight.
If you want a gift with more backfire potential than a 1974 Pinto, look no further. These relationship-destroying DVDs are practically guaranteed to git-r-done.
Weight Loss Membership
Be sure to wear your groin protector when she opens the envelope.
Her Very Own Star
The International Star Registry can name a star after anyone, including your future ex. It’s the kind of gift she’d expect to get from her doddering grandmother, except it’s from yours truly. Bonus points for naming an exploding star or red dwarf after her.
He’s Just Not That Into You
The forward approach. Choose the movie, or the book. Available used for just $3.43 at Amazon.
Lingerie is a sword that can cut you both ways. If you buy too small, she’ll feel fat. If you buy too large, she’ll feel fat. Either way, you’re pretty much dead meat.